God is really cool.
This is a really late and awkward time to be writing about something sort of lengthy, but i was talking about it with some dear friends of mine in this random motel we are staying at in South Carolina tonight with our choir. Because it’s not the most high class joint in the world, we started talking about germs, and it just came to my mind and i started talking about how i had really had a problem with germ issues that i believed God had been gradually delivering me from. It was never a huge moment where i felt like no longer were those issues going to dictate a portion of my life, but it was a process that looking back on now has been such a blessing attesting to the faithfulness of God.
I guess now that i look back, it started with control issues stemming from fear. A lot in my life was changing around my senior year of high school, and it seemed like out of nowhere, i began to realize these very irrational anxieties arising in me. i think i feared bathrooms and showers first, but it began to stem to drinking after other people including my family and closest friends, and i was washing my hands constantly. i didn’t fear the actual germs, but somehow the irrationality of my mind had proven to me that if i had that contamination on me, i was going to be unclean in some way. i cannot even fully express it, because it was so completely preposterous how my thought patterns would progress to the point of crippling anxiety at points.
i have always been a very pensive person, which is something only those closest to me fully understand, but my mind became a kind of prison when it came to things like this. anyways, it was past the point where i could even control it anymore, which just rings with irony because it all began with control issues in the first place.
it was to the point of being noticeable to those around me, and they would feel awkward when i refused to drink after them or something, which just made me worse. i was at this point when i went to el salvador on a missions trip this past summer, which turned out to make me face those things head on. we had no choice but to deal with very dirty conditions at points, and i discovered that i could handle it if i just prayed that God protect me while i did His work. i think i realized that He had control over things, and my fear and anxiety would produce no kind of results.
a couple of months after this, i came to school. i think this change of scenery, and the forced surroundings of people who made it impossible to waste time in fear and anxiety, were what God used to free me. it was a gradual, almost unnoticeable process, but it still happened. and i am so thankful to the Lord that He didn’t let me stay in those problems, however small and silly they were.
it was so encouraging to hear my good friend tell me that she has seen a huge difference in me since she met me in the fall when it comes to this. it was a beautiful thing to hear, but at the same time, i cannot take credit for it.
there is just a really big, really amazing God who loves me a lot, and has control over all of the things i cannot handle on my own. and He doesn’t leave even the smallest of these things broken.
-
iusedtocallmecobbs said:
goodness. i don’t even know what to do but rejoice and rejoice and rejoice. God is so sick, and by that i mean goshdarned wonderful.
-
iusedtocallmecobbs liked this
-
pomegranatediaries posted this
